Life again as a married lady?
I have butterflies in my stomach knowing that Nick is en route from his mountaintop paradise to come meet me. The roads are crap and it’s pouring rain, so I estimate a later than expected arrival. I’ve been resting up for a few days in stormy Bali after getting a full-on head cold on the plane ride over. Good news with that is, the 14 hour plane ride to Hong Kong felt like 3 since I slept, save a few times to blow my nose, for 11 of those hours drugged up on decongestant.
My last moments of alone time. Again. I have to laugh because I said the same thing before Nick moved over from Oz, I holed up in my (*our*) apartment and watched Netflix to no end, barely bathing and only coming up for air when I had to work or had to get groceries. I thought to myself, my rare moments of alone time and doing whatever I like would be over. Forever.
One month after he moves in, he decides to become a TM teacher. Hahahaha that’s another 5 months alone. Part of me is stoked for him, but another part of me is stoked for me. What Netflix shows can I get stuck on while he’s away? (Jane the Virgin and No Tomorrow were the winners amongst the Twilight Saga and cheesy romantic Hallmark movies) Is it possible I love my alone time as much as I love my husband?
YES! It’s totally possible! I love the guy, we’ve committed to being together in this adventure called life, but I LOVE ME MORE. I LOVE ME TIME. I thrive on it. The relationship with the Self is the most important relationship we have. If we don’t nourish and take care of ourselves first, then we can’t fully love other individuals. If I don’t get to recharge in solitude (Netflix, reading, walking, yoga-ing etc) my soul feels neglected. Even meditating alone, by myself, without someone else sniffling and adjusting occasionally, makes a huge difference.
I used to lose ME in relationships. I would chameleon and try to fit into what I thought the person I was with would want me to be. I was getting it all wrong. Me being me is why I am so awesome. How could I hide it, give it up to fit into what I thought someone wanted? Gross!! Nick is the first person that I have really been all out, just as I am, me! It’s liberating and a total relief from all that work I was doing!
At first it was hard to establish this need for solitude with my love, afraid he would take offence, but we’re both realizing now that if he gives me the room, without interruption and does so happily, I come back to him refreshed, rejuvenated and feeling content and ready to connect. I think it’s really helped him honour himself too. I’ve encouraged him to do what he feels without pressure to socialize with me in my ever-busy social calendar (and I’m also clear when he really needs to be there ;), and he ends up relishing in his quiet independence too. We both need it. We all do!
I’m walking to the pool anticipating Nick’s arrival to be late, and as I walk over with Natalie and her little Gyan, I see there is a kafuffle in the lobby nearest our rooms. I feel my stomach drop. It couldn’t be them yet! I’m not wearing pants! I’m on my way to the pool! All but one van have arrived and Nick is on the last one. I can’t feel my legs. I wait earnestly, and there he is. Gorgeous as ever. My man. My love. After a hello cuddle and walking to our room, my legs start to return to me. Ah! There they are. Within 5 minutes of reconnecting, it’s like nothing has changed. We both have transformed in different ways in these last 5 months, but yet, our love is still there, despite all the growth we’ve both experienced, away from one another. And then everything feels right again.
And now we’re beginning our 2 and a half week road trip from Cairns to Sydney, in a camper van. We’ll need to get creative on how to get that alone time, for both of us! Walks alone (watch out for the crocs!) the quiet reading of books, me tuning into my fave songs and belting our a ballad, without the physical space for personal space, it’ll be interesting to see how we can maintain our own me time within the we time!