Ahhhh trust. It’s been coming up a lot in the last few days. Trusting partners (or not trusting them!) trusting the Universe/God/A Divine Plan (or forgetting to surrender and have faith) trusting systems and formulas to produce said result…..
Thanks to Lynne Hea who shared this pic from some other person who posted it on FB and was shared again and again and again. You inspired this post!
I was having tea with my girlfriend last week and she was describing how she decided she was ready for a big step and BOOM the Universe went BAM! Here you go! And she was like, ummmm, just kidding, am I really ready? Well, YES she was but was stunned and like, crap. The Universe was calling her out being like, YES you are ready, here is what you asked for. Yet, she hesitated.
For me, in this conversation, I saw that I had given up trusting the Universe. It was like, detour! Detour! Detour! And I was like, (not even knowing it!) ENOUGH. Enough with the detours. Too many changes, too quickly. I want to take charge again. I want the perceived and immediate comfort and security of the known and the control over my life (even though I know we’re not really in control) That shift of losing faith happened amidst all the detours I’ve been experiencing and when said girlfriend shared her story, it clicked. I LOST FAITH!
The grey zone of uncertainty and being amidst so many changes can leave one feeling a little crazy (ahem. Picture above. I am on the right. Been there awhile) It’s so much safer when it’s black and white/yes and no. Clear cut. Comfort. But the truth is life is never clear-cut : we just have our ways of perceiving and controlling outcomes and situations to feel safer in knowing and being the driver…yanking the wheel away from who or what is really in charge. Truth is, we are not boss. God/Universe/Divinity whatever you want to call it, is boss.
Another friend and I chatted tonight and she is in the freedom/enjoyment phase of not knowing what’s next. I remember that. I’ve been in this constant shape shifting, never steady, what surprise is coming today, where am I sleeping tonight, what country will I teach in, where’s the money coming from mode since October. It was kinda liberating and enjoyable in the “what’s around the riverbend?” a la Pocahontas kinda way for about 2 weeks. It’s been 4 months.
I know that God gives us what we can handle. I know that my situation is not that bad compared to most people in the world (first world problems – I know.) BUT that doesn’t take away from my experience. Even writing this blog, I feel the guilt of first world white girl. BUT still, I share that this is my experience. It’s okay that I’m feeling a little nutty. Life has been more of a tornado than a light gentle breeze blowing me along.
However, despite the feeling of insecurity and stability, I know I got this. I literally say it out loud to myself whenever I doubt. I GOT THIS. I see that these are just growing pains, mere bumps, erm, potholes on the road and I will drive through them. That’s what I’ve always done. Keep my head down and keep trucking. Resilient. That’s what my hubby called me. I was hugely flattered. I’ve never seen myself as resilient. When he witnessed me roll with the punches and keep trucking and be resourceful ( never thought I’d go back to waitressing….I missed it so much!!) he admired me for my go get ’em/creative attitude.
Universe, I know you got my back. I trust you. I’m sorry I lost faith. It’s been a lot of testing my faith and potholes on this journey the last little while. I know you’re boss. I know you have a divine plan for me. My temporary power struggle was one of a mere mortal trying to gain some feeling of strength and control in this ever-changing exhilarating/exhausting existence. So, I take baby steps to go back to the practice of letting go and surrendering. I’ve been getting rusty in this area, so please have patience for me as I get back to my groove and pass you back the boss baton.