What’s Wrong?

I’ve been crying a lot more than “usual” lately. The majority of responses I get are : “what’s wrong?” which I find fascinating. Yes, sometimes there’s something wrong. But sometimes I just need to cry, let it out, express, let go. I suppose in becoming a meditation teacher, I see crying as an expression of stress. Anytime we’re stressed or have a buildup of emotion/pressure, it needs to get out! It can’t help it! I don’t ponder “why am I crying” or try to attach some meaning to it, it is what it is. Expression. Release.

I know that it’s normal to cry and let these feelings go. I’m grateful that I’ve been encouraged to express them (well, my parents knew I needed to I think! I’m a stubborn, passionate, expressive soul!) Sometimes I avoid these emotions and FB scroll too much, or keep myself busy, or hold it in trying to be strong around my family, but when the valve of emotion releases, mine pours out like a waterfall. It’s transformative to really allow the tears to flow, and the sobbing to be heard. I do hesitate, so not to concern the neighbours or cause them to think “what’s wrong,” but then I remind myself that I need this to feel better. Nothing is wrong; my body, mind and soul need liberation.

I talked to my coworker the other day casually as I dumped out dirty beer glasses and put them in the dishwasher. I put crying into the framework of stress release and ended up scaring him. He says he never cries, he usually gets angry. Poor men. They’re taught to cover up any vulnerable-type emotion with anger. I encouraged him to let it out and if he didn’t, the suppression of the stress needing to be released could turn into major dysfunction in the body. He stared at my blankly. Floored. I recanted, slightly to ease his fears, but reiterated how important it is to have an outlet whether it be meditation, (TM is the most efficient and effective release of stress!!) yoga, running, scary or sad movies, singing etc….and not to hold it all in!

For me, it makes sense that more is flowing out of me. Life has been discombobulating lately: I’m grieving. I’m not sleeping in my own bed. Teaching meditation to inner-city kids in Jamaica was rewarding, yet beyond stressful. Until a few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if my hubby and I would be heading back home or going on another project somewhere in the world. I confessed to him that for my own sanity I NEED HOME. So, Vancouver we stay. I’ve noticed a palpable increase in my anxiety levels due to the new stressors in the last few months : CHANGE is such a huge stressor!!! and I’ve had a lot of it lately. What’s really amazing is when I sit with it and don’t avoid it, the underlying emotion that flows out is sadness. I’d rather let it pour out of my Being and be free of it, than store it inside me covered up with low-level anxiety. My meditations are such a saving grace, to be able to connect within and touch that deepest most delicate place within me to discover the truth of the matter.

‘Cos nothing is wrong, we just need to let it out. Process. Move forward. Just like Gramma Vi always said, “One day at a time.” Miss you Gramma.


One thought on “What’s Wrong?

  1. Beautifully expressed, Chelsea. Change can sure bring on the stress but, as you said, thank goodness we can meditate and get to the source. In that silence, the next steps of progress will appear. Love and hugs, Ruth Anne 💖


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